The Daily Jester Publication

 House Bill HR 283 was presented today, the Bill is reported to be full of ‘hateful hate speech that is really mean, and not nice,’ says an unknown democrat in a pink suit. It was said to be forced New Years Resolutions for the Democrats, but many republicans were worried that it would affect them as well. Some of the major parts of the bill were as follows: “Whereas this House is full of senile delinquents, and Whereas this House is found to be mentally ill in its entirety, and Whereas severe change is needed. We stand resolved to be better. We stand resolved to fulfill our sworn duty to at least some of our ability. We stand resolved to spend less on morning coffee and brunch before sessions. We stand resolved to use what cognitive abilities we have left. We stand resolved to only sometimes take bribes. We stand resolved to always promote justice, most of the time.” There are mixed reviews floating around about the bill, many extremist say it doesn’t go far enough, while others s...

 Louisiana declares state of emergency due to north-east penguins found diving off coast illegally. In response citizens of Louisiana are having their limbs amputated because of a recent executive order from governor Jeff Landry to help resolve the penguin emergency. Jeff claims the order was to protect citizens in this dangerous time of emergency. Banning the possession of arms was simply the only way to ensure these north-east penguins would not harm the drilling outposts. When told penguins do not have arms, he stepped down from the podium he was speaking at and said: “No further questions.” Citizens are told their arms are in stasis and will be returned once the threat is resolved.  After four penguins were found dancing on an oil rig, the governor announced “The possession of feet will be restricted on all non-government parties until further notice.” To help keep Louisiana safe become an amputee today. That’s fake news, from you know whom. Comment below.

  A totally new and rad book series hit the market named Misadventure and Mystery. Economist and Treasury secretary Scott Bessent says the economy is at “an unnatural high,” he went on to explain “it’s because citizens are buying more assets like Misadventure and Mystery books than they can actually afford.” Trump disagreed as he read the third in the series, saying “nothing can break the economy when we have oil.” Bessent frowned and picked up the first book. After reading a couple pages Bessent himself was hooked, going so far as to say, “Ehh, even if the economy falls apart I’m still gonna read these books. I wonder if Adrian dies.” Trump and Bessent reportedly started giggling like school girls as they thought about the character’s possible doom.  Get your own copy of these great reads this Christmas at: https://books2read.com/ap/81Do3O/Travis-Cramer And this is partially fake news with the Jester you love best, see you next time, and comment below or I’ll get lonel...

  New blogger threatens to murder google after being censored.  The blogger reportedly said, “Imma kill you Google, just like Biden killed the economy! Yeah, you ain’t ever gonna get up like house prices did, you gonna stay in the dust like a two toed pudgy faced dinosaur.” Authorities are having trouble finding evidence that the blogger ever really said this; as Google censored it up to heaven, very little or even any remainder can be found of what the blogger said. After further consideration Google wrote a second more heinous draft of what the blogger supposedly posted, then sued the blogger for posting “such hate speech,”  The blogger was sued for: Calling google a: Two legged dog, cross eyed kitten, an armless butterfinger, a hairy snail in a wig, a robot that would wish it had half a brain if it had half a brain more than it does, and an untrustworthy super spy that smells of elderberries. Google said, “The final string was really pulled when the blogger ...

  Around Christmas five years ago Vice President Mike Pence asked Trump to put an ornament on his Decomytree.com digital tree. When denied he fell on his knees begging, “But it only takes three seconds! Wah, hahaha, wahhh!” Trump walked away with a thing of orange juice saying, “But I’m doing my hair man, I’m doing my hair. Don’t you ever interrupt me when I’m doing my hair!” Pence reportedly waited patiently outside the bathroom door for over an hour until Trump came out with his locks glowing golden orange. “Now can you do it for me?” Pence asked, a tear drop weighing over a pound pouring out his right eye. “I was going to tweet, but I’ll do it for you, this once little guy,” Trump said encouragingly as he patted Pence on the head. “Now clean the bathroom while I do this,” Trump added as he sat down in a recliner and wrote.   Pence finally read the note Trump left, it said;  “MAGA Baby, but you look like manga, lazy,  a pence, a hundredth of a pound, you...

Trump is struggling to potty train his new pet Joe Biden, and considers rehoming him after another accident in the White House. Even after going to the pet potty trainer Joe continues to have blowouts daily. One reporter said; “At this rate Trump will be taking over the YELLOW House.” Joe has been acting wild lately, even going so far as to bite a waterfowl, the bird is in critical condition, and considers suing. Reportedly Joe is one of the few types of pets that can speak, as he has been found running through the White House screaming, “Precious, COKE, my precious, gruhh, Biden, Bidennnn, precious.” He was unsatisfied when given a Coke-a-cola beverage, and began choking the waiter whispering, “But it’s my Birthday, and I wants it, coke.” He stopped and rolled on the floor giggling and crying at the same time. Trump claims nothing Joe does is his fault, claiming “Biden is responsible for his own decisions, although I wish he stopped sniffing everything, it’s creepy .”