The Daily Jester Publication

 A diseased penguin was found camping out at Trump’s beach house in Florida. When Trump arrived the penguin pounced on him, immediately ripping off part of his right ear. Trump’s body guards apprehended the penguin before it could do any further damage.  The penguin is currently being held in a high security Federal Prison in Sumterville, Florida, awaiting the final court results.  The penguin’s attorney argued that the defendant (penguin) is mentally ill, and suffers from ADHD among other similar mental disorders, thus the penguin should be let off the hook for this one. The lawsuit then took a turn after a medical exam showed the penguin suffered two broken ribs in the encounter. The New York Attorney General is now suing Trump for animal abuse. The original sentence of 12 months prison time, and deportation as an illegal immigrant has been modified to six months at the Central Park Zoo in New York, then deportation. Trump said to a news reporter: “They’ll be no more of...

 Speculation on Trumps hair has existed ever since orange juice became a dye. That’s right, the possibility of orange juice being his choice of dye is staggeringly high. While there are no sources that explicitly say it is orange juice, we can take a couple hints.  1: Trump claims his hair is completely natural, what’s more natural than a freshly squeezed orange? 2: At one point Joe Biden mistook Trump for a child and sniffed his hair, it’s reported he said one word, “Oranges?” 3: The color gives it away…come on, it’s literally orange. 4: He’s slandered by people calling him a “fruit,” everyone has the inner sense his dye is fruit based.  It is reported by some that his hair is orange due to not giving the brown dye (he supposedly uses) time to dry properly. Saying the longer he gives it the more brown it will be. Trump’s hair dressers have come out saying he is very impatient, and will hardly sit still for 30 minutes. The longer he dyes it, the more brown it will be, and...

With Scott Bessent as Treasury secretary all of Trumps economic policies will have zero negative effects. Bessent is one of the world’s foremost economic strategists, so with his blessing all of Trumps economic plans will be completely beneficial.  With an economist like Bessent being directed step by step by Trump the US’s economic scene couldn’t look healthier.  One reporter noted: “It’s important for American presidents to create their own economic policies, and implement them through professionals like Bessent, so that their plan has real professional backing.” While Bessent wouldn’t normally recommend tariffs, with Trumps new plan they are a completely viable option, thanks to Trump believing them to be.  A Deal maker from a large bank said: “Bessent is most definitely not a puppet, every policy he supports is completely and most definitely the best economic option, and not at all based on the personal opinions of Trump.” We’re glad to hear that the US economy is in ...

  Kamala applies for Canadian citizenship after losing the presidential election, stating, “I’m just a white cow girl now.” It’s said she received this revelation of her whiteness while looking into a mirror. When asked why she ran as a black candidate in the election she stated, “I hadn’t realized my true potential, now as a white cow girl I feel that I can be more of my true and better self.” One reporter asked why she was moving to Canada, and how she discovered her new heritage. She responded by saying: “I can feel that I have a connection with Canada, almost spiritual. Being black just didn’t work, I’m a white cow girl, and I think that comes from my ancestors.” With the winter season she is looking whiter than ever, but with no apparent evidence of her Canadian ancestry skeptics are skeptical.  In response to these skeptics she went on to say: “I grew up in a Canadian white family, sports were big in our house…” she began sobbing before she continued, “And I was the ...

  Only a few weeks after his election as president Trump announced that all ‘Canadian syrup suckers’ would be removed from the National Hockey League. Stating that the US invented hockey, thus Canadians could no longer play in the US’s league. He also stated in passing that “Unless Canada becomes a US state, they can’t be in our NATIONAL league.” Canadian citizens are currently in an uproar. Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau met with Trump for negotiations two days ago.Trump was reportedly singing “Tariffs baby tariffs,” as he left the meeting. The results have been released to the public that Canada will be considered the 51st honorary US State. It is rumored that in Edmonton, home of the Edmonton Oilers, a well known hockey team, Canadian citizens are walking the streets yelling “Drill baby drill.” As part of the deal 20% of Canada’s maple syrup is required annually, Trump has already started setting up drilling platforms in Canada, tariffs are still under negotiation....

 "The Daily Jester Publication is a blog made for idiots by idiots. Colin Davidson is the original founder/idiot, although you may see pieces written by David Collins, Anonymoose, Frederic Anderson, and or anyone willing to be a guest writer. It is strictly prohibited that anyone should quote this blog as a source for anything at any time. Although it is recommended that you take everything in this blog seriously, it may save your life one day." Colin Davidson. Said the founder of this blog when asked by no one.  In this Christmas special, as this blog was made for Christmas and is very special, we will be looking at the breaking headlines. CNN, Fox, or any other news program is currently ranting about their hate or love for Trump, Babylon Bee is waiting for Trump's promised Canadian slur that the American people were told they would receive on his election. But the average American is eating Cheetos on the couch, as they stare at a TV that hasn't had a break in two m...